9. After 5 years of not seeing a good friend, I ran into her in a random Falafel store both coming with our friends. She then asked: what if I was in another random Falafel store, would have I met another person, and so by being here I am not meeting them? Not really. The point is that by being authentic we’ll meet people in the same search. Even more, by behaving in an authentic way, we’ll connect more. That is my spirituality: connecting with people that are in the same search.

8. What emotion have you been feeling strongly lately?

7. Close friends are in a position to ask you: when can’t you restrain yourself? when are you wrong? You can’t lie to them in the same way as you lie to yourself. Also: close friends generally aren’t surprised about what you do. However, sometimes they can be deeply proud of you. Compare this to random people, which can easily be surprised about your recent achievements, but rarely would be proud of you.

6. Why utilitarians or rationals are less social? I feel they see a social event only by its excuse. What do I mean? Social events generally have an “excuse” for why they are happening: food, free t-shirts, watching a movie, or reading a book. A rationalist can say, I can eat my food faster, I can get knowledge on my own faster. That is true, but they are missing the point.

6′. People say that logic sometimes is wrong in your personal life. I think what they really mean is that sometimes we should follow our emotions over logic. But that doesn’t mean that logic was wrong. What was wrong was to assign logic a role that is best fulfilled by emotions, what was wrong was to think that logic is more powerful than it really is.

5. It is powerful: to have fun with everyone. If you are at a party, don’t search for the coolest person. Instead, have fun with whoever you have on your side. Why is this so powerful? Probably because you can have fun with everyone. And not doing so just means you are avoiding yourself, trying to find fun outside of you. You are chasing illusions and distractions. This is analogous to obsessively searching for a calm place or running away to a Buddhist temple. You never find peace that way. Pick everybody. Discrimination reflects your own lack of confidence.

5′. Also, if you are not social with everyone, then talking with someone requires a test which adds friction. People will feel you judging them too.

4. A way of living: never say the same thing twice. Never repeat the same story. Use talking to people as a way of self-exploration.

3. If you want to organize something for a group, talk to each one personally.

2. There is a lot of value in a friendship where both persons are consciously investing time and prioritizing it over other things. It is a virtuous cycle.

0. Loyalty as the most important trait in a friend.

-1. It is important to remember the name of other people. But it is also important if they can remember yours. When you say it, make it memorable and catchy.

-2. Don’t assume people will give you all their attention. Don’t blame it on them. They may be doing it unconsciously, or because they feel they aren’t getting anything from you, or because they feel they aren’t being helpful to you. They may be tired. But also assume that you do have something that will be very interesting for them. Remember to give second opportunities to people, especially those that seemed to be good people but something else didn’t work out the first time.

-3. There is a distinction between what men and women get from a romantic interaction. The interaction for a man makes him want to work more and better. Inspiration. Think of how many books are dedicated to wives. The effect of this seems smaller on women. The motivation for work for women comes more from inside, it feels more pure.

-4. In a primitive tribe, people didn’t schedule time to hang out. We don’t say, let’s meet at 1am to do silly things. Compare this with scheduling work meetings, which feels more natural. In part this explains why in an individualized society, we will keep meeting to work, but not to hang out. Casual interactions are disfavored in an individualized society. When I am in Argentina I find myself much more in long, casual conversations than in the US.

-4′. I found it important to have a place where you can go at any point and just talk with people there in a relaxed way. No appointment. The word lounge awakes that in me.

-4”. I find it useful to not have a calendar. In this way, I’m forced to have a process in the back of my mind thinking about my next meetings. This way I don’t end up lonely, since when I’m aware that I won’t have any meeting I can just organize one.

-4”’. Having a social life (especially in a foreign country) is more practical and active than it seems: hosting meetings, reaching out to people, searching for social places where you feel comfortable. Sometimes I worry whether I am good at being a friend. This is an important question, but there’s a practical side that I often left aside.

-5. Be careful with receiving advice. How much the person believes what they say doesn’t correlate with how true it is (let alone how useful it is for you.) I think I read Al Capone thought he was doing morally right things. Further: several of the people that claim to have good advice are probably the ones that know less, and they are overcompensating.

-6. People usually advice you to try new activities or meet new people, even to meet people that you don’t like. I don’t think this is about lowering your standards, but more so about delaying judgement and going past first impressions.

-7. Weird people don’t always attract each other in the first interactions. This happens because there is only one way to be normal but many ways to be weird. So if you are weird, you may meet people that are weird in different ways. And then it is a conscious process to recognize, “ah this uncomfortable feeling about them is because they are weird, but I like weird!” Being weird is very related to being an independent thinker.

-8. To the right people, only ask big questions.

Thanks to Juli Garbulsky for a conversation about 6′, and Elisheva Eisenberg for asking 9. -8 is coming from Richard Hamming, “You and Your Research” and from talking with my friend Jes Smith.